Friends with Benefits - Net Positive or Negative for Women Transcript
Hey everybody, interesting discussion today, bringing up a subject known as friends with benefits, a phenomena or at least a phrase that maybe started 20, 25 years ago, certainly not when I was going through my teenage years. And we had our pre -show rehearsals, got a little wild. This is only for protection. This is not at all to be used in aggression, just for self -defense. So I'm going to ask Preeti the question, do you feel as a woman that the friends with benefits movement are saying,
and the culture that came up in the last 30 years has been a net positive for women and the female movement or a net negative. First of all, what's friends with benefits, Preeti? So it's a fair question. everyone has their own definition of what that is and that might be some of the problems that exist.
Friends with benefits means that you are actually friends with somebody and that you also have sex with that person But you're not in a committed relationship. You're not monogamous I think Oftentimes what people miss about friends with benefits is that friends is actually the first word so these you know, these are relationships between people who know each other and want to continue to know each other and have a relationship outside of the bedroom outside of just sex.
All right, so if we define people doing actions for improving their life, we'll say happiness. We all do things to create hopefully more happiness in our life, whether it's making money to get things or in relationships. Has the net happiness of women who are part of maybe that generation been higher or lower or gone up due to a friends with benefits attitude towards sex:
Is it a net positive, there's more happiness, more enjoyment, or a net negative for women? Has it sent them back in some way? Right. So I think this herein lies why we've been arguing about this for the last couple of weeks. I think that there is an assumption made that...
that there's a bit of a Madonna whore complex, right? That's the construct when we think about women and sexual relationships. That either you're a saint or you're sinner and that boys will be boys. So men get a pass at everything. Of course men all only want sex. Of course men would be so happy to pull the wool over a damsel in distress' eyes and trick her into a sexual relationship and all under the guise of friends with benefits.
That's not what friends with benefits is. That's what assholes do. Right? It's a very different thing. Friends with benefits is a relationship in which people who actually care for one another and maybe they know each other already quite well enter into a sexually beneficial relationship as two consenting adults. And therein lies the issue. If there's full consent, if we're on the same page about what all of this means,
And if we are being completely honest with one another, there's zero reason why this can't be part of the healthy, happy sexual life that we can all enjoy. The problem arises when one party is actually looking for a different kind of relationship, maybe one that is down the line committed, and maybe this is a way to sort of get that in, and that never ends well. That's also partly because that's complete dishonesty.
Like, you you need to know yourself, need to know your feelings, you need to know what you want in order to be in any kind of healthy relationship. I think some of the other pitfalls is when somebody has really bad intentions, that they actually aren't looking for a friend with benefits, that they're looking for no strings attached sex, which is NSA, that's something a little bit different, and that they're purporting to want to have this sort of relationship.
But again, it comes down to honesty. If you know what you want, you know who you are. If you understand what you are comfortable with and what your limitations might be. Like maybe your heart is weary and can't have sex without forming attachments and feelings. There's a lot of people that would say that with the chemicals released, which are different for men and women during sex, that it's harder for women to have more casual relationships.
Here's the thing, we're people, we have evolved minds, we have free will, we have executive functioning. There is 100 % a way for women to be happy and benefit from these relationships just as there are for men. I found it interesting in our pre -show meetings with producers and writers that the anger over friends with benefits wasn't directed toward men. It was a difference within the female population of say over 40 married with kids.
and saying it's, it's an absolute disaster for women. Yet there's a generation maybe of single people or at a different stage of life, say 20 to 30, 35, who are very much empowered by it and find it a source of, again, controlling their sexuality and who they want to have sex with and having their terms honestly set out. why would women, mean, older women who are in relationships with kids all be saying no or maybe it's not a good thing? yet women?
who are single who saying, it is a good thing. Where's the divide and why from women? So, know, sexual mores evolve over time. What's acceptable sexually has changed very much from decade to decade, from culture to culture and generation to generation. And, you know, women who are in their 40s and 50s who
or maybe divorced and have some children and are looking to meet somebody might be the beneficiaries of a friends with benefits scenario in which you're just in the middle of a divorce or you're just recently divorced. You're not really looking to get into anything so serious. You're not looking to build a life with somebody. You've built a life with somebody. You have grown children. Maybe you have a great career. Maybe you get to focus on yourself for the first time after raising a family.
And you still have sexual needs and you still have the need for some companionship and a person to spend time with and go out with. It seems like a perfect scenario for somebody who's experiencing that. I think, when you've been married for a long time and you haven't been out on the dating scene and you don't know what it's like to date in your forties and fifties and be divorced once, twice, three times,
You have a really different perspective than I think that perspective is. And it may be, if I'm being really empathetic, comes from a place of protection where we want to protect women from predatory behaviors. We want to make sure that women are okay and that they're safe. But being in a relationship for a long time and not knowing what's out there, your biggest concern now dating in the dating landscape is people who lie. There's a lot of opportunity for dishonesty on social media and on online dating.
And, knowing somebody for a while, having an established friend that you might also have sex with, that seems pretty safe to me compared to a lot of the other options out there. The number one thing that women are worried about and sort of do all of their due diligence over, we do a lot of sleuthing around the internet when we meet somebody online to make sure that what they're saying lines up because there's a lot of lying that happens. And so women...
in their 40s and 50s with children who haven't been out on the dating scene, haven't done any online dating probably, don't understand that it's a really complicated and often toxic space. And that friends with benefits actually can be a really beautiful, loving, and empowering and safe place for men and women. Well, as people say, they want to marry their best friend. And that certainly must have some interplay in this discussion as friendship is the key to a great relationship.
and what people are looking for. So maybe friends with benefit or a certain friend may develop into a long -term partnership. But if you think friends with benefits have been beneficial for women, not beneficial, have an opinion based on your age or what you think about it, leave it in the comments below. And certainly you can head over to and leave a comment for Preeti and I or what you think of our shows by clicking on the blog. And let us know what you think. Net benefit, positive or negative? Friends with benefits have
brought up into an adult generation. Right. Remember, you can sign up for Konvo Dating. Konvo is a new relationship app in development. You can sign up at .com and go there for also more relationship tips and advice.
That wasn't so bad. don't know. cranky.
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